ella's been gettin' brave in the bath lately. the other day she dunked her own head under the super tap stream! and another day actually laid down in the water on her back - a first, definitely. let the water get in her ears and everything. it's wonderful to watch her. she's so brave.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
curious george concert
ella and i went to her first live show tonight! it was the cbc kids show, featuring curious george. omg it was cute. and she hugged curious george twice after the show. so freaking sweet. and then she talked to the 2 cbc hosts, kush and joyce, and was all cool, and said "i hugged the monkey!" so proud. (also, proud mama moment when the hosts said she was the best dressed kid there! :)
in the car she talked and sang nonstop. about 5 minutes later she was quiet, out, down for the count, limp rag doll sleepy girl, and she's still down - it's midnight.
in the car she talked and sang nonstop. about 5 minutes later she was quiet, out, down for the count, limp rag doll sleepy girl, and she's still down - it's midnight.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
i have a nephew!
okay? he's perfect. my brother's marvellous wife finally made it thru the pregnancy journey. he's out. and he's spectacular. ella and i are going to see him tomorrow. zoom, zoom.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
doo doo dee
in my effort to write down the cute stuff ella does, here's another.
she pretty much daily requests her bear dvd, but she prounounces it "bear doo doo dee".
she pretty much daily requests her bear dvd, but she prounounces it "bear doo doo dee".
Monday, February 26, 2007
cuteness round up
september 6
out of the blue ella started:
1) praising mama for doing things she normally gets praise for - i.e. pressing the garage door opener button. "you did it, mama!!!"
2) announcing "poop!" with every fart and poop she makes. only, she pronounces it "doop"
december 4
today, i was driving and ella was singing away and i was just hearing doo doo la la, but suddenly i recognized it - "santa claus is comin' to town" only from ella it was "san-na caws a tomin'. sees a seepin'. sees a-wayyyy. san-na caws a tomin'... a dooooowwwwn." i nearly died.
january 22
this weekend, with my family visiting? ella was slaying us all. she became obsessed with my brother and was in her room wanting him to play and hollering at him "UNCA BOBY! YAYA ROOM! BA-KET-BALL!" [uncle brody, ella's room, basketball!]
oh. also. we were trying to coach her into saying "uncle brody is a big baby" and she shortened it to "unca bi-ig baby". we were all on the floor.
january 23
a few minutes ago, ella was putting her bunny to bed in mama's bed. and she suddenly said very sternly to bunny "LIE DOWN". hmm. wonder where she heard that.
january 30
last night ella insisted that i get in the bath with her. at first i was refusing so she grabbed my shirt and started tugging at it and hollering "mama maked! mama naked!" at the top of her lungs.
february 22
lately in the mornings, ella has been rubbing her eyes and telling me "my eyes are boken, mama". broken.
february 26
today ella found the stash of old cards that i keep for cutting up and using in scrapbooking and apparently thinks that all cards come from my mom. she sat down and read each one, running her finger along each line of text chattering away random stuff, but at the end of each and every one, she ended with "yuv, nona".
i died. and so did my mom when i told her on the phone tonight.
also. today. i was talking to my brother and his wife cuz hi, her due date is TOMORROW and we're all dying waiting for the baby already. ella demanded the phone when i mentioned i was talking to uncle brody and auntie tara. she took the phone and talked to uncle for a bit, then would demand "yaya talk a phone a auntie cara" and then talk to her then demand "yaya talk a phone a unca boby" and back and forth, seriously, ten minutes they put up with it. it was awesome.
out of the blue ella started:
1) praising mama for doing things she normally gets praise for - i.e. pressing the garage door opener button. "you did it, mama!!!"
2) announcing "poop!" with every fart and poop she makes. only, she pronounces it "doop"
december 4
today, i was driving and ella was singing away and i was just hearing doo doo la la, but suddenly i recognized it - "santa claus is comin' to town" only from ella it was "san-na caws a tomin'. sees a seepin'. sees a-wayyyy. san-na caws a tomin'... a dooooowwwwn." i nearly died.
january 22
this weekend, with my family visiting? ella was slaying us all. she became obsessed with my brother and was in her room wanting him to play and hollering at him "UNCA BOBY! YAYA ROOM! BA-KET-BALL!" [uncle brody, ella's room, basketball!]
oh. also. we were trying to coach her into saying "uncle brody is a big baby" and she shortened it to "unca bi-ig baby". we were all on the floor.
january 23
a few minutes ago, ella was putting her bunny to bed in mama's bed. and she suddenly said very sternly to bunny "LIE DOWN". hmm. wonder where she heard that.
january 30
last night ella insisted that i get in the bath with her. at first i was refusing so she grabbed my shirt and started tugging at it and hollering "mama maked! mama naked!" at the top of her lungs.
february 22
lately in the mornings, ella has been rubbing her eyes and telling me "my eyes are boken, mama". broken.
february 26
today ella found the stash of old cards that i keep for cutting up and using in scrapbooking and apparently thinks that all cards come from my mom. she sat down and read each one, running her finger along each line of text chattering away random stuff, but at the end of each and every one, she ended with "yuv, nona".
i died. and so did my mom when i told her on the phone tonight.
also. today. i was talking to my brother and his wife cuz hi, her due date is TOMORROW and we're all dying waiting for the baby already. ella demanded the phone when i mentioned i was talking to uncle brody and auntie tara. she took the phone and talked to uncle for a bit, then would demand "yaya talk a phone a auntie cara" and then talk to her then demand "yaya talk a phone a unca boby" and back and forth, seriously, ten minutes they put up with it. it was awesome.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
i miss her.
it's lonely without my ella sometimes. i miss having a family. a home with a family in it.
Monday, January 29, 2007
whisper whisper
ella's trying to go to sleep right now. a nap, i mean. i can hear her whispering to her "buddies", as she likes to call her stuffed animals. once in a while it gets louder, then back to a whisper. i peeked in a few minutes ago, she had a book on her chest and was "reading." damn that's cute.
lately there have been so many things i've wanted to remember to write down for her. the way she has started to take care of her stuffed animals like babies. tucking them into bed and scolding them "lie down!" cooking in her new kitchen. this morning we were drawing together and i wrote a big E L L A across the top of the page. she pointed at the E and said "E!" she also has such a sense of humour now. she'll say something "naughty" to me and then flash me this hilarious mischievious smile. also, she loves to talk on the phone now. she gets on and chats with uncle brody and auntie tara or her nona. "hi-ee. yaya woom. doin? i mish you nona. i yuv oo nona." etc. it kills.
lately there have been so many things i've wanted to remember to write down for her. the way she has started to take care of her stuffed animals like babies. tucking them into bed and scolding them "lie down!" cooking in her new kitchen. this morning we were drawing together and i wrote a big E L L A across the top of the page. she pointed at the E and said "E!" she also has such a sense of humour now. she'll say something "naughty" to me and then flash me this hilarious mischievious smile. also, she loves to talk on the phone now. she gets on and chats with uncle brody and auntie tara or her nona. "hi-ee. yaya woom. doin? i mish you nona. i yuv oo nona." etc. it kills.
Monday, January 22, 2007
family.
ella fell in love with my brother, her uncle brody, this weekend. it was wonderful.
it was also wonderful to see my brother with her. when she was first born, he was of course, loving and and sweet, but like so many men, not entirely comfortable. but this weekend, he seemed right at home with ella tucked under his arm on the couch and playing around the house.
ya. loved it. not to leave out nona, who thrills ella just by being there. and auntie tara, ella was very impresssed by the baby in her belly thing!
Sunday, January 14, 2007
ella's party made me so sad today. hanging out at n's house. watching her interact with n's family. see, she has this whole other part of her life. that i'm not a part of. that i don't even know anything about. she's my 2 year old baby. i should know EVERYTHING about her. it breaks my heart.
i don't even know what else to say.
i don't even know what else to say.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
social butterflies
for a minute there ella and i were social butterflies. we had amanda and brennagh over and the girls played like crazy. it was quite adorable. we ordered in indian food and stuffed ourselves. there was a lot of cuteness going on. the girls took a bath and ella demonstrated her dubdubdub (scrub scrub scrub) technique to amanda, then proceeded to scrub brennagh's back. ay. the cute.
the next day we hit my cousin's house and ella got to be the baby playing with her cousins mykelti and brydon. she adores the big kids. whenever brydon left the room even, she would call out "bydon! bydon!" she loved their kitty - amazing to find one not afraid of kids and kids' overzealous hugs. she was afraid of their puppies - they licked her hands and she cried and ran for mama. the best part - we hopped in the hot tub for a nice outdoorsy dip. ah, the steamy goodness.
and the day after that we met jody and anna and sophie at The MallTM! we took the girls on the train and the ferris wheel that looks like hot air balloons and the merry-go-round. [aside: i find mysef struggling to hold onto canadian/saskatchewan terms in the last year or so. i'm so tempted to call the merry-go-round a carousel and the bunny hug a hoodie. it's frustrating to me, this globalism of words. i like the regional difference.] best part of the trip to The MallTM? anna and ella holding hands walking along, like best buds. so amazing that my oldest friend's kids and mine will be friends. i love that like crazy.
Monday, January 01, 2007
a year in review?
should i do a review of this year? i sort of wish i could have a do-over. started the year by starting marriage counselling. then selling our house and buying a cheaper one to try and resolve some finance issues. then getting a divorce. then moving into an apartment.but maybe i should do a different review. this year my anxiety and depression hit me in ways i didn't know how to handle. i suppose that's the nature of it. as my anxiety grew, so did our marriage problems. but in the 3+ months now since i found out i was getting a divorce, things have happened to suggest that i will be okay. i found out where rock bottom is. and i survived. i found out that i have a support network, despite some of them not being local. i found out that the fog sometimes lifts. sometimes i catch a glimpse of a me that isn't scared of everything. a me that isn't frozen in fear and indecision. that she's in here, somewhere.
and, i mean, despite *everything*, i've experienced some of life's greatest joys this year, this second year of my daughter's life. coming up on her second birthday, i can only think of everything she's learned and become. of who she's become. she went from a baby to a talkative, exhuberant, vivacious, sensitive, considerate little girl. every day with her is such a gift. and i need to remember to be grateful.
Friday, December 29, 2006
the internet.
the madness on flickr right now with EVERYONE switching to private, is making me wonder... i mean, what the HELL? i'm sad because flickr has been this huge huge inspiration and learning place for me. like, really important stuff. but it seems everyone's having really big problems with stealing. and my reaction to it all in general is not to worry about it.
but with the recent mad rush into privacy, it makes me wonder. am i under-reacting? am i, um, being naïve?
plus, then i got thinking. and. the internet. flickr, psv, etc. this is my social life. i'd be lost without it. so. that seems kinda pathetic. like maybe i need a real life social life? sigh. i dunno.
but with the recent mad rush into privacy, it makes me wonder. am i under-reacting? am i, um, being naïve?
plus, then i got thinking. and. the internet. flickr, psv, etc. this is my social life. i'd be lost without it. so. that seems kinda pathetic. like maybe i need a real life social life? sigh. i dunno.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
mewwy cacasmas!
not having ella with me for xmas was hard. but xmas with my mom's family is Awesome, and it was really comforting to do all the usual xmas stuff with everybody. playing cards and swearing with granny, playing with my little cousins, eating a roast turkey dinner 3 days in a row, cuz god forbid anybody not have leftovers to eat, so everybody makes their own turkey. it was good to have some quality time with my mom and my brother too.
having my cousins there with their own little ones was really hard, oh. i missed ella. the worst was when i phoned her on xmas morning to say merry xmas. she - the phone hater - got on and said "hi mama. mewwy cacasmas!" and then i pretty much dissolved into tears for a good 15 minutes. but she was happy and having fun, so i'm glad for that.
one of the more fun moments was when i arrived at my auntie g's house for dinner on the 23rd. her husband (v) is the one and only family member that has been a jerk to me since i came out. he has avoided ALL contact with me since then actually. to the point of sitting in the truck at my grandma's house while his wife and kids are inside with the rest of us having a family get together. seriously, sitting in the truck like a petulant child for like, hours. and while n and i were together, n was always very stressed out by the prospect of encountering him and wanted to not go to things. whereas my response is that there is NO way i'm giving up my family and stuff that i love because he's a dink. anyway, so when my aunt invited me to her house i was a little apprehensive about seeing my uncle and was kind of planning to avoid him. but of course, when i arrived, i walked into the living room where 4 of my uncles (1 being v) and my grandma happened to be sitting. they all one by one hopped up from their seats to hug and kiss me until finally richard was the only one still sitting. sigh. so i just said "well v, are you hugging me or not?" and my uncles and my granny laughed uncomfortably. v, the pussy who doesn't have the balls to stand up for his "convictions", said "yep, yep!" and hopped up to hug me. enter rolling of eyes a la me.
sorry for the rambling long story. it probably makes no sense. it's just, my uncle is a dink and i love when i get to be the bigger person.
having my cousins there with their own little ones was really hard, oh. i missed ella. the worst was when i phoned her on xmas morning to say merry xmas. she - the phone hater - got on and said "hi mama. mewwy cacasmas!" and then i pretty much dissolved into tears for a good 15 minutes. but she was happy and having fun, so i'm glad for that.
one of the more fun moments was when i arrived at my auntie g's house for dinner on the 23rd. her husband (v) is the one and only family member that has been a jerk to me since i came out. he has avoided ALL contact with me since then actually. to the point of sitting in the truck at my grandma's house while his wife and kids are inside with the rest of us having a family get together. seriously, sitting in the truck like a petulant child for like, hours. and while n and i were together, n was always very stressed out by the prospect of encountering him and wanted to not go to things. whereas my response is that there is NO way i'm giving up my family and stuff that i love because he's a dink. anyway, so when my aunt invited me to her house i was a little apprehensive about seeing my uncle and was kind of planning to avoid him. but of course, when i arrived, i walked into the living room where 4 of my uncles (1 being v) and my grandma happened to be sitting. they all one by one hopped up from their seats to hug and kiss me until finally richard was the only one still sitting. sigh. so i just said "well v, are you hugging me or not?" and my uncles and my granny laughed uncomfortably. v, the pussy who doesn't have the balls to stand up for his "convictions", said "yep, yep!" and hopped up to hug me. enter rolling of eyes a la me.
sorry for the rambling long story. it probably makes no sense. it's just, my uncle is a dink and i love when i get to be the bigger person.
Friday, December 22, 2006
holiday spirit
i just hugged and kissed my baby goodbye. i won't be seeing her until after xmas. and then i burst into tears.
i suddenly feel like all i post about is calamity. the truth is, things have been better lately. i don't feel as squished under the weight of anxiety/depression and i don't feel as pressured by outside forces. the house being sold is a huge weight off. etc. not that i feel this way every day. but. lots of days now, i feel not so bad. even like, (gasp) happy. it's strange.
but saying goodbye to my baby for xmas SUCKS. and knowing that it's going to be stuff like this FOREVER that will be hard. it's not right that that's something i just have to learn to accept and you know, learn to deal with well. so the tears kind of took me by surprise, but i guess they shouldn't have. basically, it's just not fair. and that's just how it is. you know? i know you all know, cuz you've all dealt with different things in your own lives that are simply not fair. it's just life. so. tomorrow i'm heading out to spend xmas with my mom's family, and it will be nice and fun, although i know my heart will ache on xmas morning for the lack of ella's joyful little voice, and will take some punches when i watch my cousins' little ones running around.
happy holidays, yall.
i suddenly feel like all i post about is calamity. the truth is, things have been better lately. i don't feel as squished under the weight of anxiety/depression and i don't feel as pressured by outside forces. the house being sold is a huge weight off. etc. not that i feel this way every day. but. lots of days now, i feel not so bad. even like, (gasp) happy. it's strange.
but saying goodbye to my baby for xmas SUCKS. and knowing that it's going to be stuff like this FOREVER that will be hard. it's not right that that's something i just have to learn to accept and you know, learn to deal with well. so the tears kind of took me by surprise, but i guess they shouldn't have. basically, it's just not fair. and that's just how it is. you know? i know you all know, cuz you've all dealt with different things in your own lives that are simply not fair. it's just life. so. tomorrow i'm heading out to spend xmas with my mom's family, and it will be nice and fun, although i know my heart will ache on xmas morning for the lack of ella's joyful little voice, and will take some punches when i watch my cousins' little ones running around.
happy holidays, yall.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
lather, rinse, repeat
boy am i on a roller coaster these days. one minute, i'm feeling okay. interactions with n have been pleasant, reasonable. i feel like a normal person, capable of normal things
and then. hoo boy. then the anxiety hits. and i feel like nothing is ever going to work out. i'll never find a place to live. i'll never find a job and keep it. i'll never be able to handle being divorced and having to deal with n for the rest of my life re: every little parenting thing.
and. everyone is pregnant. more of my online mommy peeps are pregnant than not, i think. my brother's wife is pregnant. 2 of my cousins are pregnant. but you know who isn't? me. i mean, i'm SO happy for them. SOOOO happy. it's just, how would i be pregnant? there's no way i'd catch the tongue-in-cheek baby dust at a party. there's no way i could just happen to get pregnant. and. eveyrone would think i was a lunatic for trying to get pregnant, given the situation that i'm in. see above. rinse. repeat.
and. i have a cold. it feels like someone punched me in the cheekbone on the left side of my face. and that someone else has my temples in a vice. so. there. this morning? i'm not feelin' so hot.
and then. hoo boy. then the anxiety hits. and i feel like nothing is ever going to work out. i'll never find a place to live. i'll never find a job and keep it. i'll never be able to handle being divorced and having to deal with n for the rest of my life re: every little parenting thing.
and. everyone is pregnant. more of my online mommy peeps are pregnant than not, i think. my brother's wife is pregnant. 2 of my cousins are pregnant. but you know who isn't? me. i mean, i'm SO happy for them. SOOOO happy. it's just, how would i be pregnant? there's no way i'd catch the tongue-in-cheek baby dust at a party. there's no way i could just happen to get pregnant. and. eveyrone would think i was a lunatic for trying to get pregnant, given the situation that i'm in. see above. rinse. repeat.
and. i have a cold. it feels like someone punched me in the cheekbone on the left side of my face. and that someone else has my temples in a vice. so. there. this morning? i'm not feelin' so hot.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
my imaginary friends
thursday was a hard day. i watched my soon-to-be-ex-wife get ready for work and play with our daughter and realized it was the last time. the last time we'd be all together. my family.
then friday i flew to boston to meet my imaginary friends. almost two years now, i've been a part of an amazing little community of online mommies. there was something overwhelming, surreal, and amazingly comfortable about it all. i really needed that. because i guess my life is a bit overwhelming and surreal right now.
ella was so great on the plane. on the descent into boston there was a lot of turbulence and people were white knuckling it a bit, and with every bump ella exclaimed "Whee!!!!"
once or twice on the trip my thoughts wandered to n. how she was moving out while ella and i were running around new england. but i didn't want to think much about it, so i didn't. and monday, when we arrived home, it felt nothing like i thought it would. i thought i'd be bereft. lonely. lost. but really, i felt relieved. it was a relief to not face fighting. tension. anger. it's not like i don't still feel lonely. sad. and a profound sense of loss. but it's good somehow, this change.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
i know who you are
what do we do in life without our friends and family? i often think of this.
today my oldest friend called to check in with me. how i'm coping thru the divorce. and i broke down a little on her. cuz today has been a really bad day. wow. and she dared to ask "what happenned?" as i tried to explain using a little objectivity, trying not to delve into the shit where we reside right now, because where we are now is most certainly SHITTY and i guess that's just one of the stages we'll have to go thru, i said that i think we never really were right for one another. which is hard for me to accept/admit. we bring out bad qualities in one another, instead of the opposite, as partners should. and as we talked, i really thought about it all. how i bring out some kind of mean, survival of the fittest, thing in her. how she brings out this subverted, diminished, totally lacking in self-esteem version of me.
and through my gasps and my tears i said "sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore."
and my oldest friend said, emphatically, "*I* know who you are!" and proceeded to list all the wonderful things she sees in me. i don't know how to express what it is to feel so lost and to have someone say "here. i have your map." she remembers the me that i don't even remember anymore. she still sees her down deep in me today.
thanks jody. you may have just saved me.
today my oldest friend called to check in with me. how i'm coping thru the divorce. and i broke down a little on her. cuz today has been a really bad day. wow. and she dared to ask "what happenned?" as i tried to explain using a little objectivity, trying not to delve into the shit where we reside right now, because where we are now is most certainly SHITTY and i guess that's just one of the stages we'll have to go thru, i said that i think we never really were right for one another. which is hard for me to accept/admit. we bring out bad qualities in one another, instead of the opposite, as partners should. and as we talked, i really thought about it all. how i bring out some kind of mean, survival of the fittest, thing in her. how she brings out this subverted, diminished, totally lacking in self-esteem version of me.
and through my gasps and my tears i said "sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore."
and my oldest friend said, emphatically, "*I* know who you are!" and proceeded to list all the wonderful things she sees in me. i don't know how to express what it is to feel so lost and to have someone say "here. i have your map." she remembers the me that i don't even remember anymore. she still sees her down deep in me today.
thanks jody. you may have just saved me.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
things that are good
whoa. rereading my opening post ... boy was i depressed that day. so. here's what's good in my life.
ella is a healthy, wonderful child who cheers me up more than anything else in the world.
we (ella and i) are going to boston this weekend to attend a party my online mommy peeps are throwing. yah!
my friends rock. (hi doug, dorrie, and the rest of you.)
my family rocks. (mom, brody, tara, regan, scotty, cindy, and so on.)
my photography biz is working. it really is. i'm a little disorganized, but, mostly, i'm good at it!
selling the house and moving on from my life with neela is going to be hard, but i think it might be a good thing for me. like, way, deep down. i think she subverts me. pulls the legs out from under me. damages my self-esteem. none of this intentionally. just because of who she is and who i am.
oh. and i had this dream. i've waited too long to remember it in detail. but it was good. it was about being imprisoned. held hostage. and my persona in the dream suddenly said to all my fellow prisoners, hey? why don't we just leave? our jailer wasn't even there watching us. that's how imprisoned we were. and so we did! we left. we just up and left. and not only that. the me in the dream went on and happened upon a rally of the baddies. the imprisoners. and i didn't run and hide. i stood up and yelled at them. told them to quit it. and stuff. i don't know. i just remember waking up and thinking that it was about my anxiety and my marriage. both. equally. maybe in some ways they are the same thing. fuck. who knows. the main thing is: i realized that i had the power to free myself all along. that's a good realization. really. really good.
ella is a healthy, wonderful child who cheers me up more than anything else in the world.
we (ella and i) are going to boston this weekend to attend a party my online mommy peeps are throwing. yah!
my friends rock. (hi doug, dorrie, and the rest of you.)
my family rocks. (mom, brody, tara, regan, scotty, cindy, and so on.)
my photography biz is working. it really is. i'm a little disorganized, but, mostly, i'm good at it!
selling the house and moving on from my life with neela is going to be hard, but i think it might be a good thing for me. like, way, deep down. i think she subverts me. pulls the legs out from under me. damages my self-esteem. none of this intentionally. just because of who she is and who i am.
oh. and i had this dream. i've waited too long to remember it in detail. but it was good. it was about being imprisoned. held hostage. and my persona in the dream suddenly said to all my fellow prisoners, hey? why don't we just leave? our jailer wasn't even there watching us. that's how imprisoned we were. and so we did! we left. we just up and left. and not only that. the me in the dream went on and happened upon a rally of the baddies. the imprisoners. and i didn't run and hide. i stood up and yelled at them. told them to quit it. and stuff. i don't know. i just remember waking up and thinking that it was about my anxiety and my marriage. both. equally. maybe in some ways they are the same thing. fuck. who knows. the main thing is: i realized that i had the power to free myself all along. that's a good realization. really. really good.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
etta james, at last
i heard etta james' at last on the radio in the car this morning. and i broke down. sobbing. bawling. i cried and cried all the way home. and then some more on the couch when i walked in the door.
i'm sad. my marriage is over. i need a new life plan.
and i really thought i was past the crying stage. i really did. maybe it's my period, or i don't know what. but today, i can't seem to keep the tears at bay.
---
hi. i'm one of two mommies to a wonderful little girl named ella. my soon to be ex partner and i conceived her through di (donor insemination). she is the joy of my life. sometimes, especially lately, i worry that she is the only joy in my life. which can't be healthy.
right now? i'm searching for a cheap car, a place to rent that doesn't make me feel like vomiting. getting ready to see my partner move out. getting ready to sell our house. facing the prospect of not being able to own a home again for a long time. feeling pretty sorry for myself. facing the prospect of finding a job to support myself and my daughter when all i wanna do is be at home taking care of her.
also. suffering from a generalized anxiety condition. which has on and off been somewhat debilitating. and i don't want it anymore.
so this is the beginning of something new. cuz. i need this place to vent. and i need a fresh start.
i'm sad. my marriage is over. i need a new life plan.
and i really thought i was past the crying stage. i really did. maybe it's my period, or i don't know what. but today, i can't seem to keep the tears at bay.
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hi. i'm one of two mommies to a wonderful little girl named ella. my soon to be ex partner and i conceived her through di (donor insemination). she is the joy of my life. sometimes, especially lately, i worry that she is the only joy in my life. which can't be healthy.
right now? i'm searching for a cheap car, a place to rent that doesn't make me feel like vomiting. getting ready to see my partner move out. getting ready to sell our house. facing the prospect of not being able to own a home again for a long time. feeling pretty sorry for myself. facing the prospect of finding a job to support myself and my daughter when all i wanna do is be at home taking care of her.
also. suffering from a generalized anxiety condition. which has on and off been somewhat debilitating. and i don't want it anymore.
so this is the beginning of something new. cuz. i need this place to vent. and i need a fresh start.
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