Friday, December 29, 2006

the internet.

the madness on flickr right now with EVERYONE switching to private, is making me wonder... i mean, what the HELL? i'm sad because flickr has been this huge huge inspiration and learning place for me. like, really important stuff. but it seems everyone's having really big problems with stealing. and my reaction to it all in general is not to worry about it.

but with the recent mad rush into privacy, it makes me wonder. am i under-reacting? am i, um, being naïve?

plus, then i got thinking. and. the internet. flickr, psv, etc. this is my social life. i'd be lost without it. so. that seems kinda pathetic. like maybe i need a real life social life? sigh. i dunno.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

mewwy cacasmas!

xmas 2006
Originally uploaded by kim.mama.
not having ella with me for xmas was hard. but xmas with my mom's family is Awesome, and it was really comforting to do all the usual xmas stuff with everybody. playing cards and swearing with granny, playing with my little cousins, eating a roast turkey dinner 3 days in a row, cuz god forbid anybody not have leftovers to eat, so everybody makes their own turkey. it was good to have some quality time with my mom and my brother too.

having my cousins there with their own little ones was really hard, oh. i missed ella. the worst was when i phoned her on xmas morning to say merry xmas. she - the phone hater - got on and said "hi mama. mewwy cacasmas!" and then i pretty much dissolved into tears for a good 15 minutes. but she was happy and having fun, so i'm glad for that.

one of the more fun moments was when i arrived at my auntie g's house for dinner on the 23rd. her husband (v) is the one and only family member that has been a jerk to me since i came out. he has avoided ALL contact with me since then actually. to the point of sitting in the truck at my grandma's house while his wife and kids are inside with the rest of us having a family get together. seriously, sitting in the truck like a petulant child for like, hours. and while n and i were together, n was always very stressed out by the prospect of encountering him and wanted to not go to things. whereas my response is that there is NO way i'm giving up my family and stuff that i love because he's a dink. anyway, so when my aunt invited me to her house i was a little apprehensive about seeing my uncle and was kind of planning to avoid him. but of course, when i arrived, i walked into the living room where 4 of my uncles (1 being v) and my grandma happened to be sitting. they all one by one hopped up from their seats to hug and kiss me until finally richard was the only one still sitting. sigh. so i just said "well v, are you hugging me or not?" and my uncles and my granny laughed uncomfortably. v, the pussy who doesn't have the balls to stand up for his "convictions", said "yep, yep!" and hopped up to hug me. enter rolling of eyes a la me.

sorry for the rambling long story. it probably makes no sense. it's just, my uncle is a dink and i love when i get to be the bigger person.

Friday, December 22, 2006

holiday spirit

i just hugged and kissed my baby goodbye. i won't be seeing her until after xmas. and then i burst into tears.

i suddenly feel like all i post about is calamity. the truth is, things have been better lately. i don't feel as squished under the weight of anxiety/depression and i don't feel as pressured by outside forces. the house being sold is a huge weight off. etc. not that i feel this way every day. but. lots of days now, i feel not so bad. even like, (gasp) happy. it's strange.

but saying goodbye to my baby for xmas SUCKS. and knowing that it's going to be stuff like this FOREVER that will be hard. it's not right that that's something i just have to learn to accept and you know, learn to deal with well. so the tears kind of took me by surprise, but i guess they shouldn't have. basically, it's just not fair. and that's just how it is. you know? i know you all know, cuz you've all dealt with different things in your own lives that are simply not fair. it's just life. so. tomorrow i'm heading out to spend xmas with my mom's family, and it will be nice and fun, although i know my heart will ache on xmas morning for the lack of ella's joyful little voice, and will take some punches when i watch my cousins' little ones running around.

happy holidays, yall.