Wednesday, April 25, 2007

it's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day

ella's favourite song for me to sing to her is "i can see clearly now". maybe because it's my favourite song to sing to her. although we have a lot of songs in rotation, this is the one she routinely requests.

"which song should mama sing for you?"

"bight shiny day, mama"

it's a bit of an anthem for me. bringing me out of this darkness phase of my life. "i think i can make it now. pain is gone." it's a mantra, you know. by repeating over and over, i will make it manifest.

the glow, that energy, that spirit of joy that beams from ella is illuminated in me by her eyes, her smiles, her hugs and "tisses", when she asks if nona can come over, when she cares for her stuffed toys the way i care for her, ... it's up to me look all around. there's nothin' but blue skies.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

friends are good

oven mitts for a weally hot oven
Originally uploaded by kim.mama.
friends send homemade oven mitts for ella to wear while she cooks things for me (mainly eggs) in her weally hot oven.

ella is good. she is cute and funny. all the time. nowadays, i've gotten more used to giving her up on weekends to her other mommy. but sometimes it's still hard. it was this friday. hard to watch her hop down the hallway. i'm happy she has both her mommies. but i miss her so much when she's gone.

me? i'm up and down. sometimes i feel quite good. better, you know. like i might be able to get on with things. go on with life. other times i feel lost again. unable to see the point of it all. like the answer is right there in front of me but my vision is blurred or something. i miss feeling like i know how to do life.