have you ever been depressed? no. not sad about something. not bored and tired and listless. depressed in the clinical sense.
have you ever have a panic attack? no, not a little flurried sense of worry or anxiety. a real, true, debilitating, terrifying, suicidal panic attack?
then how come you judge me for taking medication to ease these things?
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
2 years, 2 days ago
two years ago tuesday, ella walked for the first time. real steps, to me. she was cruising along the couch and i was across the room and i said "come here, baby" and she turned, and did! 5 steps, across the living room.
weeping.
weeping.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
i carry your heart
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
ella-lishis.
hmm. what to update. there have been a thousand things lately that i wanted to write down, and i just haven't been keeping up! my mom was in town briefly. she drove her cousin out here because she (the cousin) is undergoing treatment for a brain tumour, and it's affected her vision, so she is unable to drive. anyhoo, they stayed with us, and ella was in heaven. everywhere we went, she was all about her nona. "where nona go?" "nona!!!!" accompanied by running and throwing herself into nona, hugging her legs. kissing her legs. so cute. my mom is pretty game for whatever, and ella digs that. this pic they were drawing together. and ella was "threatening" to draw on nona. mom was teasing her and they were laughing away.
recently we went to the lake and ella adored it. played in the sand for ages with a little girl she met on the beach. played in the water. wasn't afraid of seaweeds or algae. wonderful.
the other day i told her her pal brennagh was coming to play. and for the first time, she used the phrase "best friend." while waiting for brennagh, she told me several times that "mennagh is mine best fwend." the girls play and giggle so much now. they really are little girls now, instead of babies. i'll try to hold onto the babyness just a little longer though. listening to their attempts at pronouncing one another's names. ella calls brennagh "mennagh"; brennagh calls ella "rara".
ella has also begun to grasp places and place names. she now knows that nona lives in "chwisto yake" and that uncle brody (and family) live in "bamcooba".
recently we went to the lake and ella adored it. played in the sand for ages with a little girl she met on the beach. played in the water. wasn't afraid of seaweeds or algae. wonderful.
the other day i told her her pal brennagh was coming to play. and for the first time, she used the phrase "best friend." while waiting for brennagh, she told me several times that "mennagh is mine best fwend." the girls play and giggle so much now. they really are little girls now, instead of babies. i'll try to hold onto the babyness just a little longer though. listening to their attempts at pronouncing one another's names. ella calls brennagh "mennagh"; brennagh calls ella "rara".
ella has also begun to grasp places and place names. she now knows that nona lives in "chwisto yake" and that uncle brody (and family) live in "bamcooba".
Monday, July 09, 2007
just some cuteness
this is just some cuteness that i revel in.
just yesterday it started to rain rain rain. ella and i stood at the window and she was singing "old man is pouring!" and insisting that i sing along and sing it "ella is pouring!" ha. so, she seemed so interested in the rain i asked if she wanted to go for a walk in the rain. she immediately remembered her monkey george umbrella so we threw on her boots and grabbed the brolly and out we went. i just spent the whole walk admiring her. she just looked so adorable - tiny little pigtails on her blonde head, little green sweater zipped up tight, bright green rubber boots carefully stepping in puddles, and her little hands clutching her umbrella and her face showing her concentration on keeping that umbrella upright and over her head. you know, it was nothing in particular and just everything about her. her smart little sweet little quiet little serious little silly self.
that's all.
just yesterday it started to rain rain rain. ella and i stood at the window and she was singing "old man is pouring!" and insisting that i sing along and sing it "ella is pouring!" ha. so, she seemed so interested in the rain i asked if she wanted to go for a walk in the rain. she immediately remembered her monkey george umbrella so we threw on her boots and grabbed the brolly and out we went. i just spent the whole walk admiring her. she just looked so adorable - tiny little pigtails on her blonde head, little green sweater zipped up tight, bright green rubber boots carefully stepping in puddles, and her little hands clutching her umbrella and her face showing her concentration on keeping that umbrella upright and over her head. you know, it was nothing in particular and just everything about her. her smart little sweet little quiet little serious little silly self.
that's all.
Friday, June 22, 2007
everything she does is magic
she's on a monster kick today. running suddenly and leaping onto beds and couches, saying "oh! mon-ter!" and telling me she couldn't get her book out from under my bed because the monster under there would bite her hand and stuff. and when i was on the phone she climbed right on top of me saying "cary mon-ter comin'!!!" so i asked her if she was sure it was a scary monster? that maybe it was a nice monster. that we should go talk to it and find out. turns out, he was nice. so she invited him to her picnic.
and then, after they ate, she asked me where monsters live. i had to think quick, but i said outside. so we opened the patio door and waved goodbye. a lucky gust of wind made it feel right.
this morning she chatted on the phone with uncle brody and auntie tara. she still doesn't get that they can't see her. she's constantly holding things up to the phone and saying "yook!" she held a pontail holder up and looked thru it and said to uncle brody "see? see?" and when i tried (again) to explain that he couldn't see her thru the phone, i asked "where's uncle brody?" and she pointed to the phone and said "in there!" ha.
one of her favorite play games lately is putting everybody to bed. monkey. bunny. dolly. penguin. me. everyone gets their own pillow and blanket. everyone gets a kiss and a tuck-in and a "yuv you", and good night.
and then, after they ate, she asked me where monsters live. i had to think quick, but i said outside. so we opened the patio door and waved goodbye. a lucky gust of wind made it feel right.
this morning she chatted on the phone with uncle brody and auntie tara. she still doesn't get that they can't see her. she's constantly holding things up to the phone and saying "yook!" she held a pontail holder up and looked thru it and said to uncle brody "see? see?" and when i tried (again) to explain that he couldn't see her thru the phone, i asked "where's uncle brody?" and she pointed to the phone and said "in there!" ha.
one of her favorite play games lately is putting everybody to bed. monkey. bunny. dolly. penguin. me. everyone gets their own pillow and blanket. everyone gets a kiss and a tuck-in and a "yuv you", and good night.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
blissful day
i don't keep up to date enough! i can't figure out a round up but i just feel like remembering a few things.
thursday i took ella to the children's festival. she danced to the music, built things, drew with sidewalk chalk, jumped in a jumping castle, rode a train, saw a troll, everything. and honestly? it was one of our best days ever. she was a delight to be around. she never tried to run away or misbehave. she stayed nearby. she didn't get overwhelmed by the crowds. she was happy to wait in line for her turn. she didn't fight me putting sunscreen and bug spray on her. she kissed me through the mesh walls of the bounce castle. she said please and thank you and went potty in a porta-potty and had no accidents. but mostly? she just was excited and having fun and it was a beautiful thing.
we went home after lunch and she had a good nap. when she woke up we went to the grocery store and again she was a delight. fun and silly and cooperative and grateful and polite and sweet. that night she went to bed with hugs and kisses and supar and spice.
i want to treasure every minute of that day.
not that every day with ella isn't lovely and i am grateful to spend my days with her. but she is two and lots of days include tantrums and whining and arguing and refusing and frustration. which is fine. but you know, we all like to revel in a good thing, right?
thursday i took ella to the children's festival. she danced to the music, built things, drew with sidewalk chalk, jumped in a jumping castle, rode a train, saw a troll, everything. and honestly? it was one of our best days ever. she was a delight to be around. she never tried to run away or misbehave. she stayed nearby. she didn't get overwhelmed by the crowds. she was happy to wait in line for her turn. she didn't fight me putting sunscreen and bug spray on her. she kissed me through the mesh walls of the bounce castle. she said please and thank you and went potty in a porta-potty and had no accidents. but mostly? she just was excited and having fun and it was a beautiful thing.
we went home after lunch and she had a good nap. when she woke up we went to the grocery store and again she was a delight. fun and silly and cooperative and grateful and polite and sweet. that night she went to bed with hugs and kisses and supar and spice.
i want to treasure every minute of that day.
not that every day with ella isn't lovely and i am grateful to spend my days with her. but she is two and lots of days include tantrums and whining and arguing and refusing and frustration. which is fine. but you know, we all like to revel in a good thing, right?
Saturday, May 26, 2007
negotiations
yesterday, ella and i were playing on our "patio" as we have been most afternoons now that it's nice out. the 2 days prior to that, after lots of fun hide and seeking and spinning and sidewalk chalk and bubbles, she decided to run full tilt down the street away from me. and did not listen when i screamed at her to come back. so. i had to chase her and pick her up (her: laughing her head off) and bring her back and give her a lecture about running away and how if she runs away we're not going to play outside anymore and so on. did that threat faze her? NO. so yesterday, i finally followed thru on the threat and took her back inside. she didn't have a meltdown, which shocked me. but did persist in trying to convince me to go back outside. '
"but mom, i'm yuv outside."
"i know."
"mom, i'm a put my shoes on and go outside."
"no."
"but mom, i'm yuv outside. i'm want go outside."
"too bad. you don't listen to mama and you run away. so no outside."
... ad infinitum
then she went away for a minute alone. then came back and said,
"mom, peas peas go outside? i'm not run away anymore. i'm stay wif mama. peas peas? i'm not run away ANYmore."
so we went out? and you know what? she didn't run away. she stayed put. amazing.
"but mom, i'm yuv outside."
"i know."
"mom, i'm a put my shoes on and go outside."
"no."
"but mom, i'm yuv outside. i'm want go outside."
"too bad. you don't listen to mama and you run away. so no outside."
... ad infinitum
then she went away for a minute alone. then came back and said,
"mom, peas peas go outside? i'm not run away anymore. i'm stay wif mama. peas peas? i'm not run away ANYmore."
so we went out? and you know what? she didn't run away. she stayed put. amazing.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
funny girl
the other day we were driving somewhere, and ella had her new cookie monster adorned sippy cup. the cup has a ring of stars on it. she was examining the cup and started to dedicate the stars.
dis one a mon-ter.
dis one a unca body.
dis one a auntie kara.
dis one a baby deckin.
dis one a doshie.
dis one a bennagh.
and then repeat! dis one a mon-ter, dis one ...
dis one a mon-ter.
dis one a unca body.
dis one a auntie kara.
dis one a baby deckin.
dis one a doshie.
dis one a bennagh.
and then repeat! dis one a mon-ter, dis one ...
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
it's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day
ella's favourite song for me to sing to her is "i can see clearly now". maybe because it's my favourite song to sing to her. although we have a lot of songs in rotation, this is the one she routinely requests.
"which song should mama sing for you?"
"bight shiny day, mama"
it's a bit of an anthem for me. bringing me out of this darkness phase of my life. "i think i can make it now. pain is gone." it's a mantra, you know. by repeating over and over, i will make it manifest.
the glow, that energy, that spirit of joy that beams from ella is illuminated in me by her eyes, her smiles, her hugs and "tisses", when she asks if nona can come over, when she cares for her stuffed toys the way i care for her, ... it's up to me look all around. there's nothin' but blue skies.
"which song should mama sing for you?"
"bight shiny day, mama"
it's a bit of an anthem for me. bringing me out of this darkness phase of my life. "i think i can make it now. pain is gone." it's a mantra, you know. by repeating over and over, i will make it manifest.
the glow, that energy, that spirit of joy that beams from ella is illuminated in me by her eyes, her smiles, her hugs and "tisses", when she asks if nona can come over, when she cares for her stuffed toys the way i care for her, ... it's up to me look all around. there's nothin' but blue skies.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
friends are good
friends send homemade oven mitts for ella to wear while she cooks things for me (mainly eggs) in her weally hot oven.
ella is good. she is cute and funny. all the time. nowadays, i've gotten more used to giving her up on weekends to her other mommy. but sometimes it's still hard. it was this friday. hard to watch her hop down the hallway. i'm happy she has both her mommies. but i miss her so much when she's gone.
me? i'm up and down. sometimes i feel quite good. better, you know. like i might be able to get on with things. go on with life. other times i feel lost again. unable to see the point of it all. like the answer is right there in front of me but my vision is blurred or something. i miss feeling like i know how to do life.
ella is good. she is cute and funny. all the time. nowadays, i've gotten more used to giving her up on weekends to her other mommy. but sometimes it's still hard. it was this friday. hard to watch her hop down the hallway. i'm happy she has both her mommies. but i miss her so much when she's gone.
me? i'm up and down. sometimes i feel quite good. better, you know. like i might be able to get on with things. go on with life. other times i feel lost again. unable to see the point of it all. like the answer is right there in front of me but my vision is blurred or something. i miss feeling like i know how to do life.
Friday, March 30, 2007
bathy-bath
ella's been gettin' brave in the bath lately. the other day she dunked her own head under the super tap stream! and another day actually laid down in the water on her back - a first, definitely. let the water get in her ears and everything. it's wonderful to watch her. she's so brave.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
curious george concert
ella and i went to her first live show tonight! it was the cbc kids show, featuring curious george. omg it was cute. and she hugged curious george twice after the show. so freaking sweet. and then she talked to the 2 cbc hosts, kush and joyce, and was all cool, and said "i hugged the monkey!" so proud. (also, proud mama moment when the hosts said she was the best dressed kid there! :)
in the car she talked and sang nonstop. about 5 minutes later she was quiet, out, down for the count, limp rag doll sleepy girl, and she's still down - it's midnight.
in the car she talked and sang nonstop. about 5 minutes later she was quiet, out, down for the count, limp rag doll sleepy girl, and she's still down - it's midnight.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
i have a nephew!
okay? he's perfect. my brother's marvellous wife finally made it thru the pregnancy journey. he's out. and he's spectacular. ella and i are going to see him tomorrow. zoom, zoom.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
doo doo dee
in my effort to write down the cute stuff ella does, here's another.
she pretty much daily requests her bear dvd, but she prounounces it "bear doo doo dee".
she pretty much daily requests her bear dvd, but she prounounces it "bear doo doo dee".
Monday, February 26, 2007
cuteness round up
september 6
out of the blue ella started:
1) praising mama for doing things she normally gets praise for - i.e. pressing the garage door opener button. "you did it, mama!!!"
2) announcing "poop!" with every fart and poop she makes. only, she pronounces it "doop"
december 4
today, i was driving and ella was singing away and i was just hearing doo doo la la, but suddenly i recognized it - "santa claus is comin' to town" only from ella it was "san-na caws a tomin'. sees a seepin'. sees a-wayyyy. san-na caws a tomin'... a dooooowwwwn." i nearly died.
january 22
this weekend, with my family visiting? ella was slaying us all. she became obsessed with my brother and was in her room wanting him to play and hollering at him "UNCA BOBY! YAYA ROOM! BA-KET-BALL!" [uncle brody, ella's room, basketball!]
oh. also. we were trying to coach her into saying "uncle brody is a big baby" and she shortened it to "unca bi-ig baby". we were all on the floor.
january 23
a few minutes ago, ella was putting her bunny to bed in mama's bed. and she suddenly said very sternly to bunny "LIE DOWN". hmm. wonder where she heard that.
january 30
last night ella insisted that i get in the bath with her. at first i was refusing so she grabbed my shirt and started tugging at it and hollering "mama maked! mama naked!" at the top of her lungs.
february 22
lately in the mornings, ella has been rubbing her eyes and telling me "my eyes are boken, mama". broken.
february 26
today ella found the stash of old cards that i keep for cutting up and using in scrapbooking and apparently thinks that all cards come from my mom. she sat down and read each one, running her finger along each line of text chattering away random stuff, but at the end of each and every one, she ended with "yuv, nona".
i died. and so did my mom when i told her on the phone tonight.
also. today. i was talking to my brother and his wife cuz hi, her due date is TOMORROW and we're all dying waiting for the baby already. ella demanded the phone when i mentioned i was talking to uncle brody and auntie tara. she took the phone and talked to uncle for a bit, then would demand "yaya talk a phone a auntie cara" and then talk to her then demand "yaya talk a phone a unca boby" and back and forth, seriously, ten minutes they put up with it. it was awesome.
out of the blue ella started:
1) praising mama for doing things she normally gets praise for - i.e. pressing the garage door opener button. "you did it, mama!!!"
2) announcing "poop!" with every fart and poop she makes. only, she pronounces it "doop"
december 4
today, i was driving and ella was singing away and i was just hearing doo doo la la, but suddenly i recognized it - "santa claus is comin' to town" only from ella it was "san-na caws a tomin'. sees a seepin'. sees a-wayyyy. san-na caws a tomin'... a dooooowwwwn." i nearly died.
january 22
this weekend, with my family visiting? ella was slaying us all. she became obsessed with my brother and was in her room wanting him to play and hollering at him "UNCA BOBY! YAYA ROOM! BA-KET-BALL!" [uncle brody, ella's room, basketball!]
oh. also. we were trying to coach her into saying "uncle brody is a big baby" and she shortened it to "unca bi-ig baby". we were all on the floor.
january 23
a few minutes ago, ella was putting her bunny to bed in mama's bed. and she suddenly said very sternly to bunny "LIE DOWN". hmm. wonder where she heard that.
january 30
last night ella insisted that i get in the bath with her. at first i was refusing so she grabbed my shirt and started tugging at it and hollering "mama maked! mama naked!" at the top of her lungs.
february 22
lately in the mornings, ella has been rubbing her eyes and telling me "my eyes are boken, mama". broken.
february 26
today ella found the stash of old cards that i keep for cutting up and using in scrapbooking and apparently thinks that all cards come from my mom. she sat down and read each one, running her finger along each line of text chattering away random stuff, but at the end of each and every one, she ended with "yuv, nona".
i died. and so did my mom when i told her on the phone tonight.
also. today. i was talking to my brother and his wife cuz hi, her due date is TOMORROW and we're all dying waiting for the baby already. ella demanded the phone when i mentioned i was talking to uncle brody and auntie tara. she took the phone and talked to uncle for a bit, then would demand "yaya talk a phone a auntie cara" and then talk to her then demand "yaya talk a phone a unca boby" and back and forth, seriously, ten minutes they put up with it. it was awesome.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
i miss her.
it's lonely without my ella sometimes. i miss having a family. a home with a family in it.
Monday, January 29, 2007
whisper whisper
ella's trying to go to sleep right now. a nap, i mean. i can hear her whispering to her "buddies", as she likes to call her stuffed animals. once in a while it gets louder, then back to a whisper. i peeked in a few minutes ago, she had a book on her chest and was "reading." damn that's cute.
lately there have been so many things i've wanted to remember to write down for her. the way she has started to take care of her stuffed animals like babies. tucking them into bed and scolding them "lie down!" cooking in her new kitchen. this morning we were drawing together and i wrote a big E L L A across the top of the page. she pointed at the E and said "E!" she also has such a sense of humour now. she'll say something "naughty" to me and then flash me this hilarious mischievious smile. also, she loves to talk on the phone now. she gets on and chats with uncle brody and auntie tara or her nona. "hi-ee. yaya woom. doin? i mish you nona. i yuv oo nona." etc. it kills.
lately there have been so many things i've wanted to remember to write down for her. the way she has started to take care of her stuffed animals like babies. tucking them into bed and scolding them "lie down!" cooking in her new kitchen. this morning we were drawing together and i wrote a big E L L A across the top of the page. she pointed at the E and said "E!" she also has such a sense of humour now. she'll say something "naughty" to me and then flash me this hilarious mischievious smile. also, she loves to talk on the phone now. she gets on and chats with uncle brody and auntie tara or her nona. "hi-ee. yaya woom. doin? i mish you nona. i yuv oo nona." etc. it kills.
Monday, January 22, 2007
family.
ella fell in love with my brother, her uncle brody, this weekend. it was wonderful.
it was also wonderful to see my brother with her. when she was first born, he was of course, loving and and sweet, but like so many men, not entirely comfortable. but this weekend, he seemed right at home with ella tucked under his arm on the couch and playing around the house.
ya. loved it. not to leave out nona, who thrills ella just by being there. and auntie tara, ella was very impresssed by the baby in her belly thing!
Sunday, January 14, 2007
ella's party made me so sad today. hanging out at n's house. watching her interact with n's family. see, she has this whole other part of her life. that i'm not a part of. that i don't even know anything about. she's my 2 year old baby. i should know EVERYTHING about her. it breaks my heart.
i don't even know what else to say.
i don't even know what else to say.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
social butterflies
for a minute there ella and i were social butterflies. we had amanda and brennagh over and the girls played like crazy. it was quite adorable. we ordered in indian food and stuffed ourselves. there was a lot of cuteness going on. the girls took a bath and ella demonstrated her dubdubdub (scrub scrub scrub) technique to amanda, then proceeded to scrub brennagh's back. ay. the cute.
the next day we hit my cousin's house and ella got to be the baby playing with her cousins mykelti and brydon. she adores the big kids. whenever brydon left the room even, she would call out "bydon! bydon!" she loved their kitty - amazing to find one not afraid of kids and kids' overzealous hugs. she was afraid of their puppies - they licked her hands and she cried and ran for mama. the best part - we hopped in the hot tub for a nice outdoorsy dip. ah, the steamy goodness.
and the day after that we met jody and anna and sophie at The MallTM! we took the girls on the train and the ferris wheel that looks like hot air balloons and the merry-go-round. [aside: i find mysef struggling to hold onto canadian/saskatchewan terms in the last year or so. i'm so tempted to call the merry-go-round a carousel and the bunny hug a hoodie. it's frustrating to me, this globalism of words. i like the regional difference.] best part of the trip to The MallTM? anna and ella holding hands walking along, like best buds. so amazing that my oldest friend's kids and mine will be friends. i love that like crazy.
Monday, January 01, 2007
a year in review?
should i do a review of this year? i sort of wish i could have a do-over. started the year by starting marriage counselling. then selling our house and buying a cheaper one to try and resolve some finance issues. then getting a divorce. then moving into an apartment.but maybe i should do a different review. this year my anxiety and depression hit me in ways i didn't know how to handle. i suppose that's the nature of it. as my anxiety grew, so did our marriage problems. but in the 3+ months now since i found out i was getting a divorce, things have happened to suggest that i will be okay. i found out where rock bottom is. and i survived. i found out that i have a support network, despite some of them not being local. i found out that the fog sometimes lifts. sometimes i catch a glimpse of a me that isn't scared of everything. a me that isn't frozen in fear and indecision. that she's in here, somewhere.
and, i mean, despite *everything*, i've experienced some of life's greatest joys this year, this second year of my daughter's life. coming up on her second birthday, i can only think of everything she's learned and become. of who she's become. she went from a baby to a talkative, exhuberant, vivacious, sensitive, considerate little girl. every day with her is such a gift. and i need to remember to be grateful.
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