i flip back and forth between having the opinion that it's getting easier to send ella off to her other mom's house each week, and that it's just not getting easier at all. maybe right now i'm extra sentimental because preschool is looming.
my baby will be starting preschool soon, and i'm just feeling sad about it. don't get me wrong. i'm excited for her, cuz i know she'll enjoy it and make friends and blah blah blah. but i'm sad because it's good evidence that she's no longer a baby. it's just gonna keep going from here - her independent little life as a big girl. ooh, motherhood is hard on the heart.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
her latest thing
hand-funnel-whispering hints. especially when playing eye-spy. only her hints are the answers. but it's still cuter than a basket of kittens.
also now that she's mastering the letter L, she's using it on words that actually do have a Y, not just the words where she pronounced the L as a Y. the other day i yawned and she said "oh, you lawnin' mom?" hehe.
also now that she's mastering the letter L, she's using it on words that actually do have a Y, not just the words where she pronounced the L as a Y. the other day i yawned and she said "oh, you lawnin' mom?" hehe.
Friday, July 18, 2008
i grew up here.
just was looking at this pic i took of ella on our recent visit to christopher lake. i grew up there. that beach there, where ella's lying? i took swimming lessons there as a kid. at 8 am. hot damn it was cold some mornings. i mentioned this on our visit. my mom said it was NOT 8 am. i was all it was too! she said, no, it was maybe 10 am. i said you're nuts, i remember distinctly it being the ass-crack of dawn and cold. we jokingly continued to argue the point. ella joined in. first she took nona's side and told me "no. mom, is was 10." "8" "is was 10!" "8" "10". . . you get the idea. awhile she switched to my side and argued with nona until my poor mom was blue in the face. i told her she'd better give up. ella is relentless.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
saskatchewan
being home in saskatchewan is totally soothing for me. and watching ella have a blast with my mom is over the top goodness. it was really cool watching her get used to the country too. running wild across the great expanses of grass, dirt, beach, whatever. lying on the ground picking and eating wild strawberries with my mom. experiencing what it's like to go out into the garden and pick some veggies and eat them right then and there. helping my mom plant and re-plant flowers. splashing at the lake. digging in the dirt. not afraid to be 40 yards away from me running all over at my grandma's farm. it was amazing.
and she went to sleep in about 7 seconds every night. :)
and she went to sleep in about 7 seconds every night. :)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
summer is good.
nothing to say really. other than i love summer. i love thunderstorms. i love watching ella ride her bike and run from playing in the sand to the swings to the monkey bars. i love the spray park. i love swimming pools. i love the lake. i love sunshine and my skin turning bronze whether i like it or not. i love the shade of green that grass and leaves turns in the bright sunlight. i love sitting on my patio in the shade while ella plays in her sandbox.
Monday, June 23, 2008
to my girl
i wish for you to be happy more than anything. i wish for you to know you are a worthwhile person, that you are a marvel.
i hope your struggles are just enough for you to know yourself, but not so much that you suffer. i want your joys to be massive and for you to know how to revel in them and appreciate them.
i hope you will care about others enough to act on their behalf. i want you to feel loved and strong and at peace.
i hope you find something(s) to do that make you feel fulfilled and powerful.
i hope you travel the world and meet amazing inspiring people. i hope you always feel grounded and safe and that you are never alone in the world. i want for you the chance to speak more than one language. to know that living in canada as a white woman is a privilege. to be brave. and curious. and hopeful.
all this and so much more i want for you.
i hope your struggles are just enough for you to know yourself, but not so much that you suffer. i want your joys to be massive and for you to know how to revel in them and appreciate them.
i hope you will care about others enough to act on their behalf. i want you to feel loved and strong and at peace.
i hope you find something(s) to do that make you feel fulfilled and powerful.
i hope you travel the world and meet amazing inspiring people. i hope you always feel grounded and safe and that you are never alone in the world. i want for you the chance to speak more than one language. to know that living in canada as a white woman is a privilege. to be brave. and curious. and hopeful.
all this and so much more i want for you.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
internet friends
remember when it was cra-zay-zy! to say you met someone online - whether it was for romance or otherwise? for me it's become more and more the norm. i have this amazing group of internet friends that i usually refer to as "my online mommies" and they are the ultimate support group. even better, they are a sounding board, a friend to chat with who's available at any hour. and now that we're preparing for the 3rd of what has become an annual gathering, they are real flesh and blood friends. in the best, most real sense. the only downside is that they're not available to babysit. heh.
speaking of which, sometimes you meet people who aren't across the universe from you! and just the other day ella and i managed to get together with jenandtonic and her marvellous daughter charlotte. it was a thrill to watch our shy girls hit it off like crazy. ella, who has been clingy to the point where she won't even go upstairs in our own house without me, wandered off to another room and another floor with charlotte after ... oh, 10 minutes? i was kind of boggled. awestruck. needless to say, cutenesses abounded. and i can't wait to do it again. and jen is my hero because she blogs for a freaking living. at least in part.
end ramble.
speaking of which, sometimes you meet people who aren't across the universe from you! and just the other day ella and i managed to get together with jenandtonic and her marvellous daughter charlotte. it was a thrill to watch our shy girls hit it off like crazy. ella, who has been clingy to the point where she won't even go upstairs in our own house without me, wandered off to another room and another floor with charlotte after ... oh, 10 minutes? i was kind of boggled. awestruck. needless to say, cutenesses abounded. and i can't wait to do it again. and jen is my hero because she blogs for a freaking living. at least in part.
end ramble.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
she's back
nothing fills your heart with joy like a child's face lit up like this on sight of you. my daughter's been on holidays with her other mom for the past 10 days. longest fucking 10 days of my life, it sort of seems. the longest we've ever been apart, that's for damn sure. my heart was a sort of constant ache until this moment.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
learning to make an inuksuk
i signed ella up to take part in a sweet little workshop about building an inuksuk at the children's festival. inuksuit (inuksuk plural) were built (and still are i suppose) by inuit people - they are kind of like stone cairns that resemble humans. they were used to help indicate the way for travellers or to pass along messages or to store food under... (here's what wikipedia has to say about them.)
this is the third year in a row i've taken ella to the children's festival in st. albert. there are so many fun things to do, and most of them are free! we have big love for the festival! even though ella was quite sick this year, we didn't want to miss it, and she managed to muster some enthusiasm in the spirit of it all.
this is the third year in a row i've taken ella to the children's festival in st. albert. there are so many fun things to do, and most of them are free! we have big love for the festival! even though ella was quite sick this year, we didn't want to miss it, and she managed to muster some enthusiasm in the spirit of it all.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
yook out beyowwwww!!!
that's what she yells as she takes off on her super duper new disc swing.
thanks to lucymay for inspiration and uncle mike for the wooden disc! i think she likes it.
thanks to lucymay for inspiration and uncle mike for the wooden disc! i think she likes it.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
motobike
ella calls her tricycle her motorbike. actually, all bikes are motorbikes. and actual motorbikes are motorcycles. i can't seem to get her to accept the correct terminology.
anyway, she kind of sort of finally learned to pedal today! it was exciting. she rode around in circles on the deck for about 20 minutes. then we hit the playground (with a helmet, don't worry) and she even pedaled UPHILL! very exciting.
she was concentrating so hard on watching her feet pedal that she couldn't bring herself to look up and watch where she was going. heh.
anyway, she kind of sort of finally learned to pedal today! it was exciting. she rode around in circles on the deck for about 20 minutes. then we hit the playground (with a helmet, don't worry) and she even pedaled UPHILL! very exciting.
she was concentrating so hard on watching her feet pedal that she couldn't bring herself to look up and watch where she was going. heh.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
TFO
you guys ever hear of the term TKO? i don't know, you hear it here and there. it's a boxing term, which i always thought stood for Total Knock Out... anyhoo in my head i made up a companion term to describe toddlers - the Total Freak Out, TFO. which i never realy used out loud or anything but sometimes would amuse myself in my head with it. TFO.
but i recently learned that it actually stands for Technical Knock Out. and now it amuses me even more, a Technical Freak Out! like there could be a checklist of items to confirm the freak out as a Technical Freak Out.
1) screaming, check
2) flailing, check
3) irrationality, check
4) tears, check.
confirmed. TFO.
but i recently learned that it actually stands for Technical Knock Out. and now it amuses me even more, a Technical Freak Out! like there could be a checklist of items to confirm the freak out as a Technical Freak Out.
1) screaming, check
2) flailing, check
3) irrationality, check
4) tears, check.
confirmed. TFO.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
judgement
have you ever been depressed? no. not sad about something. not bored and tired and listless. depressed in the clinical sense.
have you ever have a panic attack? no, not a little flurried sense of worry or anxiety. a real, true, debilitating, terrifying, suicidal panic attack?
then how come you judge me for taking medication to ease these things?
have you ever have a panic attack? no, not a little flurried sense of worry or anxiety. a real, true, debilitating, terrifying, suicidal panic attack?
then how come you judge me for taking medication to ease these things?
Thursday, November 22, 2007
2 years, 2 days ago
two years ago tuesday, ella walked for the first time. real steps, to me. she was cruising along the couch and i was across the room and i said "come here, baby" and she turned, and did! 5 steps, across the living room.
weeping.
weeping.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
i carry your heart
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
ella-lishis.
hmm. what to update. there have been a thousand things lately that i wanted to write down, and i just haven't been keeping up! my mom was in town briefly. she drove her cousin out here because she (the cousin) is undergoing treatment for a brain tumour, and it's affected her vision, so she is unable to drive. anyhoo, they stayed with us, and ella was in heaven. everywhere we went, she was all about her nona. "where nona go?" "nona!!!!" accompanied by running and throwing herself into nona, hugging her legs. kissing her legs. so cute. my mom is pretty game for whatever, and ella digs that. this pic they were drawing together. and ella was "threatening" to draw on nona. mom was teasing her and they were laughing away.
recently we went to the lake and ella adored it. played in the sand for ages with a little girl she met on the beach. played in the water. wasn't afraid of seaweeds or algae. wonderful.
the other day i told her her pal brennagh was coming to play. and for the first time, she used the phrase "best friend." while waiting for brennagh, she told me several times that "mennagh is mine best fwend." the girls play and giggle so much now. they really are little girls now, instead of babies. i'll try to hold onto the babyness just a little longer though. listening to their attempts at pronouncing one another's names. ella calls brennagh "mennagh"; brennagh calls ella "rara".
ella has also begun to grasp places and place names. she now knows that nona lives in "chwisto yake" and that uncle brody (and family) live in "bamcooba".
recently we went to the lake and ella adored it. played in the sand for ages with a little girl she met on the beach. played in the water. wasn't afraid of seaweeds or algae. wonderful.
the other day i told her her pal brennagh was coming to play. and for the first time, she used the phrase "best friend." while waiting for brennagh, she told me several times that "mennagh is mine best fwend." the girls play and giggle so much now. they really are little girls now, instead of babies. i'll try to hold onto the babyness just a little longer though. listening to their attempts at pronouncing one another's names. ella calls brennagh "mennagh"; brennagh calls ella "rara".
ella has also begun to grasp places and place names. she now knows that nona lives in "chwisto yake" and that uncle brody (and family) live in "bamcooba".
Monday, July 09, 2007
just some cuteness
this is just some cuteness that i revel in.
just yesterday it started to rain rain rain. ella and i stood at the window and she was singing "old man is pouring!" and insisting that i sing along and sing it "ella is pouring!" ha. so, she seemed so interested in the rain i asked if she wanted to go for a walk in the rain. she immediately remembered her monkey george umbrella so we threw on her boots and grabbed the brolly and out we went. i just spent the whole walk admiring her. she just looked so adorable - tiny little pigtails on her blonde head, little green sweater zipped up tight, bright green rubber boots carefully stepping in puddles, and her little hands clutching her umbrella and her face showing her concentration on keeping that umbrella upright and over her head. you know, it was nothing in particular and just everything about her. her smart little sweet little quiet little serious little silly self.
that's all.
just yesterday it started to rain rain rain. ella and i stood at the window and she was singing "old man is pouring!" and insisting that i sing along and sing it "ella is pouring!" ha. so, she seemed so interested in the rain i asked if she wanted to go for a walk in the rain. she immediately remembered her monkey george umbrella so we threw on her boots and grabbed the brolly and out we went. i just spent the whole walk admiring her. she just looked so adorable - tiny little pigtails on her blonde head, little green sweater zipped up tight, bright green rubber boots carefully stepping in puddles, and her little hands clutching her umbrella and her face showing her concentration on keeping that umbrella upright and over her head. you know, it was nothing in particular and just everything about her. her smart little sweet little quiet little serious little silly self.
that's all.
Friday, June 22, 2007
everything she does is magic
she's on a monster kick today. running suddenly and leaping onto beds and couches, saying "oh! mon-ter!" and telling me she couldn't get her book out from under my bed because the monster under there would bite her hand and stuff. and when i was on the phone she climbed right on top of me saying "cary mon-ter comin'!!!" so i asked her if she was sure it was a scary monster? that maybe it was a nice monster. that we should go talk to it and find out. turns out, he was nice. so she invited him to her picnic.
and then, after they ate, she asked me where monsters live. i had to think quick, but i said outside. so we opened the patio door and waved goodbye. a lucky gust of wind made it feel right.
this morning she chatted on the phone with uncle brody and auntie tara. she still doesn't get that they can't see her. she's constantly holding things up to the phone and saying "yook!" she held a pontail holder up and looked thru it and said to uncle brody "see? see?" and when i tried (again) to explain that he couldn't see her thru the phone, i asked "where's uncle brody?" and she pointed to the phone and said "in there!" ha.
one of her favorite play games lately is putting everybody to bed. monkey. bunny. dolly. penguin. me. everyone gets their own pillow and blanket. everyone gets a kiss and a tuck-in and a "yuv you", and good night.
and then, after they ate, she asked me where monsters live. i had to think quick, but i said outside. so we opened the patio door and waved goodbye. a lucky gust of wind made it feel right.
this morning she chatted on the phone with uncle brody and auntie tara. she still doesn't get that they can't see her. she's constantly holding things up to the phone and saying "yook!" she held a pontail holder up and looked thru it and said to uncle brody "see? see?" and when i tried (again) to explain that he couldn't see her thru the phone, i asked "where's uncle brody?" and she pointed to the phone and said "in there!" ha.
one of her favorite play games lately is putting everybody to bed. monkey. bunny. dolly. penguin. me. everyone gets their own pillow and blanket. everyone gets a kiss and a tuck-in and a "yuv you", and good night.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
blissful day
i don't keep up to date enough! i can't figure out a round up but i just feel like remembering a few things.
thursday i took ella to the children's festival. she danced to the music, built things, drew with sidewalk chalk, jumped in a jumping castle, rode a train, saw a troll, everything. and honestly? it was one of our best days ever. she was a delight to be around. she never tried to run away or misbehave. she stayed nearby. she didn't get overwhelmed by the crowds. she was happy to wait in line for her turn. she didn't fight me putting sunscreen and bug spray on her. she kissed me through the mesh walls of the bounce castle. she said please and thank you and went potty in a porta-potty and had no accidents. but mostly? she just was excited and having fun and it was a beautiful thing.
we went home after lunch and she had a good nap. when she woke up we went to the grocery store and again she was a delight. fun and silly and cooperative and grateful and polite and sweet. that night she went to bed with hugs and kisses and supar and spice.
i want to treasure every minute of that day.
not that every day with ella isn't lovely and i am grateful to spend my days with her. but she is two and lots of days include tantrums and whining and arguing and refusing and frustration. which is fine. but you know, we all like to revel in a good thing, right?
thursday i took ella to the children's festival. she danced to the music, built things, drew with sidewalk chalk, jumped in a jumping castle, rode a train, saw a troll, everything. and honestly? it was one of our best days ever. she was a delight to be around. she never tried to run away or misbehave. she stayed nearby. she didn't get overwhelmed by the crowds. she was happy to wait in line for her turn. she didn't fight me putting sunscreen and bug spray on her. she kissed me through the mesh walls of the bounce castle. she said please and thank you and went potty in a porta-potty and had no accidents. but mostly? she just was excited and having fun and it was a beautiful thing.
we went home after lunch and she had a good nap. when she woke up we went to the grocery store and again she was a delight. fun and silly and cooperative and grateful and polite and sweet. that night she went to bed with hugs and kisses and supar and spice.
i want to treasure every minute of that day.
not that every day with ella isn't lovely and i am grateful to spend my days with her. but she is two and lots of days include tantrums and whining and arguing and refusing and frustration. which is fine. but you know, we all like to revel in a good thing, right?
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