whisper whisper

ella's trying to go to sleep right now. a nap, i mean. i can hear her whispering to her "buddies", as she likes to call her stuffed animals. once in a while it gets louder, then back to a whisper. i peeked in a few minutes ago, she had a book on her chest and was "reading." damn that's cute.

lately there have been so many things i've wanted to remember to write down for her. the way she has started to take care of her stuffed animals like babies. tucking them into bed and scolding them "lie down!" cooking in her new kitchen. this morning we were drawing together and i wrote a big E L L A across the top of the page. she pointed at the E and said "E!" she also has such a sense of humour now. she'll say something "naughty" to me and then flash me this hilarious mischievious smile. also, she loves to talk on the phone now. she gets on and chats with uncle brody and auntie tara or her nona. "hi-ee. yaya woom. doin? i mish you nona. i yuv oo nona." etc. it kills.

family.

ella fell in love with my brother, her uncle brody, this weekend. it was wonderful.

it was also wonderful to see my brother with her. when she was first born, he was of course, loving and and sweet, but like so many men, not entirely comfortable. but this weekend, he seemed right at home with ella tucked under his arm on the couch and playing around the house.

ya. loved it. not to leave out nona, who thrills ella just by being there. and auntie tara, ella was very impresssed by the baby in her belly thing!

ella's party made me so sad today. hanging out at n's house. watching her interact with n's family. see, she has this whole other part of her life. that i'm not a part of. that i don't even know anything about. she's my 2 year old baby. i should know EVERYTHING about her. it breaks my heart.

i don't even know what else to say.

social butterflies

for a minute there ella and i were social butterflies. we had amanda and brennagh over and the girls played like crazy. it was quite adorable. we ordered in indian food and stuffed ourselves. there was a lot of cuteness going on. the girls took a bath and ella demonstrated her dubdubdub (scrub scrub scrub) technique to amanda, then proceeded to scrub brennagh's back. ay. the cute.

the next day we hit my cousin's house and ella got to be the baby playing with her cousins mykelti and brydon. she adores the big kids. whenever brydon left the room even, she would call out "bydon! bydon!" she loved their kitty - amazing to find one not afraid of kids and kids' overzealous hugs. she was afraid of their puppies - they licked her hands and she cried and ran for mama. the best part - we hopped in the hot tub for a nice outdoorsy dip. ah, the steamy goodness.

and the day after that we met jody and anna and sophie at The Mall^TM! we took the girls on the train and the ferris wheel that looks like hot air balloons and the merry-go-round. [aside: i find mysef struggling to hold onto canadian/saskatchewan terms in the last year or so. i'm so tempted to call the merry-go-round a carousel and the bunny hug a hoodie. it's frustrating to me, this globalism of words. i like the regional difference.] best part of the trip to The Mall^TM? anna and ella holding hands walking along, like best buds. so amazing that my oldest friend's kids and mine will be friends. i love that like crazy.

a year in review?

should i do a review of this year? i sort of wish i could have a do-over. started the year by starting marriage counselling. then selling our house and buying a cheaper one to try and resolve some finance issues. then getting a divorce. then moving into an apartment.

but maybe i should do a different review. this year my anxiety and depression hit me in ways i didn't know how to handle. i suppose that's the nature of it. as my anxiety grew, so did our marriage problems. but in the 3+ months now since i found out i was getting a divorce, things have happened to suggest that i will be okay. i found out where rock bottom is. and i survived. i found out that i have a support network, despite some of them not being local. i found out that the fog sometimes lifts. sometimes i catch a glimpse of a me that isn't scared of everything. a me that isn't frozen in fear and indecision. that she's in here, somewhere.

and, i mean, despite *everything*, i've experienced some of life's greatest joys this year, this second year of my daughter's life. coming up on her second birthday, i can only think of everything she's learned and become. of who she's become. she went from a baby to a talkative, exhuberant, vivacious, sensitive, considerate little girl. every day with her is such a gift. and i need to remember to be grateful.