lather, rinse, repeat

boy am i on a roller coaster these days. one minute, i'm feeling okay. interactions with n have been pleasant, reasonable. i feel like a normal person, capable of normal things

and then. hoo boy. then the anxiety hits. and i feel like nothing is ever going to work out. i'll never find a place to live. i'll never find a job and keep it. i'll never be able to handle being divorced and having to deal with n for the rest of my life re: every little parenting thing.

and. everyone is pregnant. more of my online mommy peeps are pregnant than not, i think. my brother's wife is pregnant. 2 of my cousins are pregnant. but you know who isn't? me. i mean, i'm SO happy for them. SOOOO happy. it's just, how would i be pregnant? there's no way i'd catch the tongue-in-cheek baby dust at a party. there's no way i could just happen to get pregnant. and. eveyrone would think i was a lunatic for trying to get pregnant, given the situation that i'm in. see above. rinse. repeat.

and. i have a cold. it feels like someone punched me in the cheekbone on the left side of my face. and that someone else has my temples in a vice. so. there. this morning? i'm not feelin' so hot.

my imaginary friends

thursday was a hard day. i watched my soon-to-be-ex-wife get ready for work and play with our daughter and realized it was the last time. the last time we'd be all together. my family.

then friday i flew to boston to meet my imaginary friends. almost two years now, i've been a part of an amazing little community of online mommies. there was something overwhelming, surreal, and amazingly comfortable about it all. i really needed that. because i guess my life is a bit overwhelming and surreal right now.

ella was so great on the plane. on the descent into boston there was a lot of turbulence and people were white knuckling it a bit, and with every bump ella exclaimed "Whee!!!!"

once or twice on the trip my thoughts wandered to n. how she was moving out while ella and i were running around new england. but i didn't want to think much about it, so i didn't. and monday, when we arrived home, it felt nothing like i thought it would. i thought i'd be bereft. lonely. lost. but really, i felt relieved. it was a relief to not face fighting. tension. anger. it's not like i don't still feel lonely. sad. and a profound sense of loss. but it's good somehow, this change.

i know who you are

what do we do in life without our friends and family? i often think of this.

today my oldest friend called to check in with me. how i'm coping thru the divorce. and i broke down a little on her. cuz today has been a really bad day. wow. and she dared to ask "what happenned?" as i tried to explain using a little objectivity, trying not to delve into the shit where we reside right now, because where we are now is most certainly SHITTY and i guess that's just one of the stages we'll have to go thru, i said that i think we never really were right for one another. which is hard for me to accept/admit. we bring out bad qualities in one another, instead of the opposite, as partners should. and as we talked, i really thought about it all. how i bring out some kind of mean, survival of the fittest, thing in her. how she brings out this subverted, diminished, totally lacking in self-esteem version of me.

and through my gasps and my tears i said "sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore."

and my oldest friend said, emphatically, "*I* know who you are!" and proceeded to list all the wonderful things she sees in me. i don't know how to express what it is to feel so lost and to have someone say "here. i have your map." she remembers the me that i don't even remember anymore. she still sees her down deep in me today.

thanks jody. you may have just saved me.

things that are good

whoa. rereading my opening post ... boy was i depressed that day. so. here's what's good in my life.

ella is a healthy, wonderful child who cheers me up more than anything else in the world.
we (ella and i) are going to boston this weekend to attend a party my online mommy peeps are throwing. yah!
my friends rock. (hi doug, dorrie, and the rest of you.)
my family rocks. (mom, brody, tara, regan, scotty, cindy, and so on.)
my photography biz is working. it really is. i'm a little disorganized, but, mostly, i'm good at it!
selling the house and moving on from my life with neela is going to be hard, but i think it might be a good thing for me. like, way, deep down. i think she subverts me. pulls the legs out from under me. damages my self-esteem. none of this intentionally. just because of who she is and who i am.

oh. and i had this dream. i've waited too long to remember it in detail. but it was good. it was about being imprisoned. held hostage. and my persona in the dream suddenly said to all my fellow prisoners, hey? why don't we just leave? our jailer wasn't even there watching us. that's how imprisoned we were. and so we did! we left. we just up and left. and not only that. the me in the dream went on and happened upon a rally of the baddies. the imprisoners. and i didn't run and hide. i stood up and yelled at them. told them to quit it. and stuff. i don't know. i just remember waking up and thinking that it was about my anxiety and my marriage. both. equally. maybe in some ways they are the same thing. fuck. who knows. the main thing is: i realized that i had the power to free myself all along. that's a good realization. really. really good.

etta james, at last

i heard etta james' at last on the radio in the car this morning. and i broke down. sobbing. bawling. i cried and cried all the way home. and then some more on the couch when i walked in the door.

i'm sad. my marriage is over. i need a new life plan.

and i really thought i was past the crying stage. i really did. maybe it's my period, or i don't know what. but today, i can't seem to keep the tears at bay.

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hi. i'm one of two mommies to a wonderful little girl named ella. my soon to be ex partner and i conceived her through di (donor insemination). she is the joy of my life. sometimes, especially lately, i worry that she is the only joy in my life. which can't be healthy.

right now? i'm searching for a cheap car, a place to rent that doesn't make me feel like vomiting. getting ready to see my partner move out. getting ready to sell our house. facing the prospect of not being able to own a home again for a long time. feeling pretty sorry for myself. facing the prospect of finding a job to support myself and my daughter when all i wanna do is be at home taking care of her.

also. suffering from a generalized anxiety condition. which has on and off been somewhat debilitating. and i don't want it anymore.

so this is the beginning of something new. cuz. i need this place to vent. and i need a fresh start.