the internet.

the madness on flickr right now with EVERYONE switching to private, is making me wonder... i mean, what the HELL? i'm sad because flickr has been this huge huge inspiration and learning place for me. like, really important stuff. but it seems everyone's having really big problems with stealing. and my reaction to it all in general is not to worry about it.

but with the recent mad rush into privacy, it makes me wonder. am i under-reacting? am i, um, being naïve?

plus, then i got thinking. and. the internet. flickr, psv, etc. this is my social life. i'd be lost without it. so. that seems kinda pathetic. like maybe i need a real life social life? sigh. i dunno.

mewwy cacasmas!

xmas 2006
Originally uploaded by kim.mama.

not having ella with me for xmas was hard. but xmas with my mom's family is Awesome, and it was really comforting to do all the usual xmas stuff with everybody. playing cards and swearing with granny, playing with my little cousins, eating a roast turkey dinner 3 days in a row, cuz god forbid anybody not have leftovers to eat, so everybody makes their own turkey. it was good to have some quality time with my mom and my brother too.

having my cousins there with their own little ones was really hard, oh. i missed ella. the worst was when i phoned her on xmas morning to say merry xmas. she - the phone hater - got on and said "hi mama. mewwy cacasmas!" and then i pretty much dissolved into tears for a good 15 minutes. but she was happy and having fun, so i'm glad for that.

one of the more fun moments was when i arrived at my auntie g's house for dinner on the 23rd. her husband (v) is the one and only family member that has been a jerk to me since i came out. he has avoided ALL contact with me since then actually. to the point of sitting in the truck at my grandma's house while his wife and kids are inside with the rest of us having a family get together. seriously, sitting in the truck like a petulant child for like, hours. and while n and i were together, n was always very stressed out by the prospect of encountering him and wanted to not go to things. whereas my response is that there is NO way i'm giving up my family and stuff that i love because he's a dink. anyway, so when my aunt invited me to her house i was a little apprehensive about seeing my uncle and was kind of planning to avoid him. but of course, when i arrived, i walked into the living room where 4 of my uncles (1 being v) and my grandma happened to be sitting. they all one by one hopped up from their seats to hug and kiss me until finally richard was the only one still sitting. sigh. so i just said "well v, are you hugging me or not?" and my uncles and my granny laughed uncomfortably. v, the pussy who doesn't have the balls to stand up for his "convictions", said "yep, yep!" and hopped up to hug me. enter rolling of eyes a la me.

sorry for the rambling long story. it probably makes no sense. it's just, my uncle is a dink and i love when i get to be the bigger person.

holiday spirit

i just hugged and kissed my baby goodbye. i won't be seeing her until after xmas. and then i burst into tears.

i suddenly feel like all i post about is calamity. the truth is, things have been better lately. i don't feel as squished under the weight of anxiety/depression and i don't feel as pressured by outside forces. the house being sold is a huge weight off. etc. not that i feel this way every day. but. lots of days now, i feel not so bad. even like, (gasp) happy. it's strange.

but saying goodbye to my baby for xmas SUCKS. and knowing that it's going to be stuff like this FOREVER that will be hard. it's not right that that's something i just have to learn to accept and you know, learn to deal with well. so the tears kind of took me by surprise, but i guess they shouldn't have. basically, it's just not fair. and that's just how it is. you know? i know you all know, cuz you've all dealt with different things in your own lives that are simply not fair. it's just life. so. tomorrow i'm heading out to spend xmas with my mom's family, and it will be nice and fun, although i know my heart will ache on xmas morning for the lack of ella's joyful little voice, and will take some punches when i watch my cousins' little ones running around.

happy holidays, yall.

lather, rinse, repeat

boy am i on a roller coaster these days. one minute, i'm feeling okay. interactions with n have been pleasant, reasonable. i feel like a normal person, capable of normal things

and then. hoo boy. then the anxiety hits. and i feel like nothing is ever going to work out. i'll never find a place to live. i'll never find a job and keep it. i'll never be able to handle being divorced and having to deal with n for the rest of my life re: every little parenting thing.

and. everyone is pregnant. more of my online mommy peeps are pregnant than not, i think. my brother's wife is pregnant. 2 of my cousins are pregnant. but you know who isn't? me. i mean, i'm SO happy for them. SOOOO happy. it's just, how would i be pregnant? there's no way i'd catch the tongue-in-cheek baby dust at a party. there's no way i could just happen to get pregnant. and. eveyrone would think i was a lunatic for trying to get pregnant, given the situation that i'm in. see above. rinse. repeat.

and. i have a cold. it feels like someone punched me in the cheekbone on the left side of my face. and that someone else has my temples in a vice. so. there. this morning? i'm not feelin' so hot.

my imaginary friends

thursday was a hard day. i watched my soon-to-be-ex-wife get ready for work and play with our daughter and realized it was the last time. the last time we'd be all together. my family.

then friday i flew to boston to meet my imaginary friends. almost two years now, i've been a part of an amazing little community of online mommies. there was something overwhelming, surreal, and amazingly comfortable about it all. i really needed that. because i guess my life is a bit overwhelming and surreal right now.

ella was so great on the plane. on the descent into boston there was a lot of turbulence and people were white knuckling it a bit, and with every bump ella exclaimed "Whee!!!!"

once or twice on the trip my thoughts wandered to n. how she was moving out while ella and i were running around new england. but i didn't want to think much about it, so i didn't. and monday, when we arrived home, it felt nothing like i thought it would. i thought i'd be bereft. lonely. lost. but really, i felt relieved. it was a relief to not face fighting. tension. anger. it's not like i don't still feel lonely. sad. and a profound sense of loss. but it's good somehow, this change.

i know who you are

what do we do in life without our friends and family? i often think of this.

today my oldest friend called to check in with me. how i'm coping thru the divorce. and i broke down a little on her. cuz today has been a really bad day. wow. and she dared to ask "what happenned?" as i tried to explain using a little objectivity, trying not to delve into the shit where we reside right now, because where we are now is most certainly SHITTY and i guess that's just one of the stages we'll have to go thru, i said that i think we never really were right for one another. which is hard for me to accept/admit. we bring out bad qualities in one another, instead of the opposite, as partners should. and as we talked, i really thought about it all. how i bring out some kind of mean, survival of the fittest, thing in her. how she brings out this subverted, diminished, totally lacking in self-esteem version of me.

and through my gasps and my tears i said "sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore."

and my oldest friend said, emphatically, "*I* know who you are!" and proceeded to list all the wonderful things she sees in me. i don't know how to express what it is to feel so lost and to have someone say "here. i have your map." she remembers the me that i don't even remember anymore. she still sees her down deep in me today.

thanks jody. you may have just saved me.

things that are good

whoa. rereading my opening post ... boy was i depressed that day. so. here's what's good in my life.

ella is a healthy, wonderful child who cheers me up more than anything else in the world.
we (ella and i) are going to boston this weekend to attend a party my online mommy peeps are throwing. yah!
my friends rock. (hi doug, dorrie, and the rest of you.)
my family rocks. (mom, brody, tara, regan, scotty, cindy, and so on.)
my photography biz is working. it really is. i'm a little disorganized, but, mostly, i'm good at it!
selling the house and moving on from my life with neela is going to be hard, but i think it might be a good thing for me. like, way, deep down. i think she subverts me. pulls the legs out from under me. damages my self-esteem. none of this intentionally. just because of who she is and who i am.

oh. and i had this dream. i've waited too long to remember it in detail. but it was good. it was about being imprisoned. held hostage. and my persona in the dream suddenly said to all my fellow prisoners, hey? why don't we just leave? our jailer wasn't even there watching us. that's how imprisoned we were. and so we did! we left. we just up and left. and not only that. the me in the dream went on and happened upon a rally of the baddies. the imprisoners. and i didn't run and hide. i stood up and yelled at them. told them to quit it. and stuff. i don't know. i just remember waking up and thinking that it was about my anxiety and my marriage. both. equally. maybe in some ways they are the same thing. fuck. who knows. the main thing is: i realized that i had the power to free myself all along. that's a good realization. really. really good.

etta james, at last

i heard etta james' at last on the radio in the car this morning. and i broke down. sobbing. bawling. i cried and cried all the way home. and then some more on the couch when i walked in the door.

i'm sad. my marriage is over. i need a new life plan.

and i really thought i was past the crying stage. i really did. maybe it's my period, or i don't know what. but today, i can't seem to keep the tears at bay.

---

hi. i'm one of two mommies to a wonderful little girl named ella. my soon to be ex partner and i conceived her through di (donor insemination). she is the joy of my life. sometimes, especially lately, i worry that she is the only joy in my life. which can't be healthy.

right now? i'm searching for a cheap car, a place to rent that doesn't make me feel like vomiting. getting ready to see my partner move out. getting ready to sell our house. facing the prospect of not being able to own a home again for a long time. feeling pretty sorry for myself. facing the prospect of finding a job to support myself and my daughter when all i wanna do is be at home taking care of her.

also. suffering from a generalized anxiety condition. which has on and off been somewhat debilitating. and i don't want it anymore.

so this is the beginning of something new. cuz. i need this place to vent. and i need a fresh start.