I am a lesbian. I was married to a woman. We conceived a
child through donor insemination. We are now divorced and share custody of our
daughter, Ella. Too much information?
The other day an acquaintance forced a little epiphany for
me. She casually asked in an elevator about my family life. I indicated that I
have arranged my life in a way that allows me to spend more time with my kid,
which I am so lucky to do and so grateful for. She praised my choice, as many
traditional folks do. As we walked out of the building, she went on to pry
further. There came the point where she asked about Ella’s dad. I said lightly,
“She doesn’t have a dad, she has two moms.” The woman paused, looked confused,
and stopped in her tracks to ask, “What do you MEAN she has two moms?” I sighed
internally, and then took a breath and I explained. I am a lesbian. My ex-wife
and I conceived Ella. She has two moms. This wasn’t an earth-shattering
conversion, I realize. But it happens all the time. The conversation naturally
reached the point where I was forced into choosing whether to be vague, or to
be up front about the unusual nature of my family (i.e. to come out).
See, here’s the thing. I’m good at being vague. Gender
neutral pronouns. Evasive wording. I’m a smart, educated woman. I can wiggle
around it. I’m not ashamed of who I am. I am proud. But I get tired! I phrase
things to avoid the conversation when I don’t feel like having it, like with a
casual acquaintance such as the one above. I say “my ex …” or “I’m divorced and
her other house does things this way…” and so on. It’s really easy to evade the
fact that I’m a lesbian and my kid has two moms when I just don’t feel like
explaining and justifying my life to relative strangers.
But it dawned on me recently that Ella can hear me. She may
not know what I’m up to when I do that, yet. But it’s not fair. She does not
have the vocabulary or linguistic skills to twist and evade and be vague. Nor
does she have any idea that her family is something people might judge. She
knows it’s different; she’s not blind. So it’s not fair that she has to have
“the conversation” whenever she’s questioned, because she doesn’t know how to
avoid it or even that she might want to avoid it. So I had damn well better
have that conversation every time it comes up too. I had better set an example
for how easy and simple the conversation can be, and how to respond to positive
and negative feedback when it does happen.
So no more evasive actions! When asked “Where’s Ella today?”
The answer is “She is with her other mom” not “She’s with my ex.” I don’t give
the speech I gave at the start of this post to everyone I meet. But I will come
out.
