lather, rinse, repeat

boy am i on a roller coaster these days. one minute, i'm feeling okay. interactions with n have been pleasant, reasonable. i feel like a normal person, capable of normal things

and then. hoo boy. then the anxiety hits. and i feel like nothing is ever going to work out. i'll never find a place to live. i'll never find a job and keep it. i'll never be able to handle being divorced and having to deal with n for the rest of my life re: every little parenting thing.

and. everyone is pregnant. more of my online mommy peeps are pregnant than not, i think. my brother's wife is pregnant. 2 of my cousins are pregnant. but you know who isn't? me. i mean, i'm SO happy for them. SOOOO happy. it's just, how would i be pregnant? there's no way i'd catch the tongue-in-cheek baby dust at a party. there's no way i could just happen to get pregnant. and. eveyrone would think i was a lunatic for trying to get pregnant, given the situation that i'm in. see above. rinse. repeat.

and. i have a cold. it feels like someone punched me in the cheekbone on the left side of my face. and that someone else has my temples in a vice. so. there. this morning? i'm not feelin' so hot.