things that are good

whoa. rereading my opening post ... boy was i depressed that day. so. here's what's good in my life.

ella is a healthy, wonderful child who cheers me up more than anything else in the world.
we (ella and i) are going to boston this weekend to attend a party my online mommy peeps are throwing. yah!
my friends rock. (hi doug, dorrie, and the rest of you.)
my family rocks. (mom, brody, tara, regan, scotty, cindy, and so on.)
my photography biz is working. it really is. i'm a little disorganized, but, mostly, i'm good at it!
selling the house and moving on from my life with neela is going to be hard, but i think it might be a good thing for me. like, way, deep down. i think she subverts me. pulls the legs out from under me. damages my self-esteem. none of this intentionally. just because of who she is and who i am.

oh. and i had this dream. i've waited too long to remember it in detail. but it was good. it was about being imprisoned. held hostage. and my persona in the dream suddenly said to all my fellow prisoners, hey? why don't we just leave? our jailer wasn't even there watching us. that's how imprisoned we were. and so we did! we left. we just up and left. and not only that. the me in the dream went on and happened upon a rally of the baddies. the imprisoners. and i didn't run and hide. i stood up and yelled at them. told them to quit it. and stuff. i don't know. i just remember waking up and thinking that it was about my anxiety and my marriage. both. equally. maybe in some ways they are the same thing. fuck. who knows. the main thing is: i realized that i had the power to free myself all along. that's a good realization. really. really good.