i know who you are

what do we do in life without our friends and family? i often think of this.

today my oldest friend called to check in with me. how i'm coping thru the divorce. and i broke down a little on her. cuz today has been a really bad day. wow. and she dared to ask "what happenned?" as i tried to explain using a little objectivity, trying not to delve into the shit where we reside right now, because where we are now is most certainly SHITTY and i guess that's just one of the stages we'll have to go thru, i said that i think we never really were right for one another. which is hard for me to accept/admit. we bring out bad qualities in one another, instead of the opposite, as partners should. and as we talked, i really thought about it all. how i bring out some kind of mean, survival of the fittest, thing in her. how she brings out this subverted, diminished, totally lacking in self-esteem version of me.

and through my gasps and my tears i said "sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore."

and my oldest friend said, emphatically, "*I* know who you are!" and proceeded to list all the wonderful things she sees in me. i don't know how to express what it is to feel so lost and to have someone say "here. i have your map." she remembers the me that i don't even remember anymore. she still sees her down deep in me today.

thanks jody. you may have just saved me.