holiday spirit

i just hugged and kissed my baby goodbye. i won't be seeing her until after xmas. and then i burst into tears.

i suddenly feel like all i post about is calamity. the truth is, things have been better lately. i don't feel as squished under the weight of anxiety/depression and i don't feel as pressured by outside forces. the house being sold is a huge weight off. etc. not that i feel this way every day. but. lots of days now, i feel not so bad. even like, (gasp) happy. it's strange.

but saying goodbye to my baby for xmas SUCKS. and knowing that it's going to be stuff like this FOREVER that will be hard. it's not right that that's something i just have to learn to accept and you know, learn to deal with well. so the tears kind of took me by surprise, but i guess they shouldn't have. basically, it's just not fair. and that's just how it is. you know? i know you all know, cuz you've all dealt with different things in your own lives that are simply not fair. it's just life. so. tomorrow i'm heading out to spend xmas with my mom's family, and it will be nice and fun, although i know my heart will ache on xmas morning for the lack of ella's joyful little voice, and will take some punches when i watch my cousins' little ones running around.

happy holidays, yall.